To Motherhood or not?

Intro:

“American women are having fewer babies, and they're having them later in life”, quoting Cara Tabachnick from NBC, from afar seems grim the future of our American Society. But, is there more than some stats to represent this outlook?

Perception: 

I had this discussion with several women and my husband. How do we view motherhood and how do we really live through it? 

I cannot speak collectively for all women, but I can share insight from a Latina perspective of how Motherhood is perceived through my experience. 

Growing up I saw different versions of Motherhood, some positive, some negative, and some that were very extraterrestrial, to say the least. 

I grew up seeing women be responsible for the majority of the household duties, raising children, and working a full-time job. 

I grew up seeing single women be responsible for the majority of the household duties, raising children, and working a full-time job

I grew up seeing women be responsible for the majority of the household duties and raising children but feeling alone in a lively home.

None of these experiences were equated to the happy-go-lucky versions on TV. What these versions lacked was the omission of Latino representation. While it was joyful to see what motherhood could look like out of my world-it left me further confused as to how I would approach motherhood. 

What I gathered was that ideally motherhood was almost second nature and rewarding, if you had the following in place: financial stability, a supportive partner with a similar set of beliefs, and a positive role model of a mother. 

Reality:

However, some of us come from single-parent households, loveless homes, religious-based homes, or raised by other maternal figures. As a child all I could do was observe and not question, my mother consistently said “A los padres no se les juzga”. Pretty much children are seen, not heard. 

I saw my mother optimistically believe in the goodness of my father and his potential as a man, even when he felt short of honoring her as she should have been. In return, my mother worked a full-time job in a sewing factory, questioning his lack of maturity as a husband and father, picking up the slack left and right. This led her to extreme burnout- she was stressed, she was short, she was distant, and she needed help with my siblings.

 She would wake me up at 7 am, feed me a bologna sandwich with strawberry Nesquik milk, turn the TV on until it was time for me to go walk to school, she shlep my siblings (who are a 1.5 year apart) to the sitter down the block, eat a toasted butter roll with coffee in hand and catch the bus to be at work from 8-4 pm. She would arrive to pick up my siblings from the sitter, cook dinner, tell me to do homework and be in bed by 8 p.m. While she cooked, I played with my sister and brother and helped get them in bed. My dad would arrive past 6 pm and Monday-Thursday. Dinner would be ready for him, I don’t remember him doing more than that. By Friday my dad would not be in sight as he used this time to socialize with his buddies, he would often reappear on Sunday afternoons, enough time for him to recharge for the work week. On weekends, my mother took us to the park or to the stores. She was attempting to give us some sense of adventure outside of our apartment. I don’t agree with much of how she parented me, but I understand her and give her grace because she did what she could under those circumstances. She held true to her belief of “Siempre hay que estar con los hijos” 

Do I believe there was a sense of injustice because my mother lacked a village and a supportive man? absofuckinglutely. Could she have broken some generational curses and provided a different outlook of how I saw motherhood, yes. But, because her foundation was unstable, it affected me. This type of environment was pretty consistent in many other households around me. My mother did what she could and because of that, I would always be grateful.

In my experience of motherhood, I anticipated some cracks in my relationship that would affect my ability to be a mother and I was prepared to establish some restorative justice on my behalf. I learned from my upbringing and those experiences around me that if I ever became a mother, I would have to be financially independent, establish a career to pursue because my life could not revolve around a man, be armed with quick swift rebuttals and words that would cut deep if a man ever tried to make me feel small, all while trying to raise little successful humans. Did I apply these methods in my own motherhood, yes. Were they successful, yes and no- depends on whom you ask.

Seeing many women live through motherhood jaded me and I vowed to not want to have kids. I had already had to be a second mom to my siblings, and marriages around me didn’t look promising- there weren’t many advantages to make me want to jump into the lake of eternal love. 

Pros:

They say “If you want God to laugh, tell him your plans”. Here I was working full-time, going to community college, partying my life away, and getting back to dating. Then BAM! A couple of dates, a very expensive smoothie, a birth control fail and I’m pregnant (insert bombastic side eye). My husband wasn’t a total stranger but within a year, we met, dated, became pregnant, moved in, and had the baby. Surely God was laughing.

My oldest was born and I loved him from the moment I saw him. He looked like me and was equally spicy, just like me. He still says this when he’s extra habanero spicy, as a justification of course. 

I appreciate my experiences as a mother with both of my boys. They truly are proud momma’s boys. They have allowed me to see a different side of me, a more nurturing, selfless, patient side I didn’t know existed.  In motherhood, I’ve learned to break generational curses that encompass discipline, lack of affection, and advocacy of a child.Ingrained in my mind I believed that motherhood was not for me because it seemed like a duty I could not bear out of fear of providing a disservice to my own children, I was wrong.  In my own motherhood, I’ve learned that through my children I have healed my inner child from parts of my tumultuous upbringing. My boys constantly are a reminder of my own personal growth as a woman. 

Cons:

In such an unpredictable moment of my life, my son was born. I hoped to have a boy and he sure was a boy. I wanted a strong son with similar traits as me- oh I got that for sure. He came into my life wreaking my sleep schedule, creating stagnation in my own finances, career advancement, and emotional maturity.

I tried my best to create a nurturing environment filled with firm discipline, endless love, and propelling his own advocacy. Did I have a village? Yes, but with limitations, Did I have a supportive partner- Yes, but with limitations, Did I possess the qualities of a model mother- Yes, but with many faults. I wish I could redo motherhood again with my oldest- I deserved more grace, he deserved more grace. This is a lesson we learned as we navigate the peaks and valleys of motherhood.

Still, would I do motherhood again after my two sons, Absofuckinglutely NOT. Financially it’s not ideal, it costs about $275k to raise one child. I don’t want to raise my children with a sense of scarcity of financial support, and most importantly love and attention. 

Motherhood now at times can feel like enduring a triathlon, I have to be financially equipped, take on household duties, be a good wife, and chase my passions, no thanks. It’s exhausting.

Are I and my partner more prepared now than before to bring a child into our lives? Yes, but my own desires for my passions outside of being a wife and mother are important to me and I’m not willing to give up my freedom and time to serve more people. I’ve paid my dues and have appreciated every moment of my motherhood journey, but I’m done. And it feels good to say that. 

What would motherhood look like in the future?

I don’t believe my experience speaks for all women but I do believe there are commonalities. I do believe that it is important for women to consider whom they are choosing to father children with. And men must consider that to alleviate the growing pains of motherhood they must not fall short and truly understand that times have evolved past the machismo. There is no blueprint, but motherhood can be a motherfucker, and it’s difficult to cross the T’s and dot the I’s when it feels like you’re trying to be a good mother at the expense of your mental, emotional, and physical health.